JONO // Fink about it: On being Alone

Jono blog 3

Maybe I’m too traditional but I kinda wanna meet the right guy and build a life with him and our family. In some ways, I feel pressure to have that.

Fink about it: On being Alone

I was brought up knowing that family is the most important thing. Respect your parents. Look after your sisters. Family comes first. When I came out, one of the first questions was ‘What will my family think?’ followed by a huge fear that I was gonna lose them. It stopped me from coming out to them for two years. That might not seem like much but I got to a point where I couldn’t lie to my family anymore because it felt like I was lying to my parents, which went against everything I’d ever been taught about respecting my parents. The guilt of it sent me into depression and took over my whole life. Coming out was hard, but I did it in the end, and I’m lucky that I’m on good terms with my family now. I’m one of the lucky ones, I guess. There’s a common Christian thought ‘Love the sinner, hate the sin,’ that’s kinda how my parents took my gayness. “I don’t agree with your decision but you will always be my son and I love you.” I love my family. While it was hard at first, time has healed the uncomfortable feelings, and I am still real close with my family. They are my rock and my inspiration.

I was once told that a Samoan can never truly be alone because he will always have his family around him. And although that’s true, I can’t help feeling alone. My family knows me but some things are just really hard to explian to them about being a young gay Samoan man. Sometimes I don’t feel like being the faiaoga on everthing gay.

Everyone in my family is straight. They have the chance of having kids and building our family. They have their boyfriends/girlfriends/husbands/wives My siblings and cousins have kids and I get to be the cool gay uncle. But I want my chance to have my family. Sometimes, that feels like it’s gonna be impossible. Not only do I need to find a partner that wants to be with me, but I need to find one that also wants to have kids as we build our life together. I know that I have a long time before I get to that point but being a gay man, sometimes I feel like that’s gonna be so much harder than my straight family.

The gay world always feels like it’s focussed on sex and hooking up, or the guys that aren’t like that, are full of self-hate and are self-centred (#IloveYouBut #SorryImNotReady #SorryICantCommit #SorryBoutIt #SorryNotSorry.) I don’t want that anymore. I’ve been there, I’ve done that, NEXT!  Maybe I’m too traditional but I kinda wanna meet the right guy and build a life with him and our family. In some ways, I feel pressure to have that. As the only male of my generation with my dad’s last name, I feel responsible to my family for carrying on that lineage. Put all those feelings together and I feel really alone. And I hate it. Not just that, I feel like even if I do meet someone and he wants to have kids, will he be ok raising our kids with my culture, language and values. It’s fucking overwhelming!

I’m not saying that this is a unique issue for gays, but I think it’s a lot more complicated for gays than it is for straights. #FinkAboutIt #WhatDoYouWant

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